There are some reasons I opened this blog and some things that are not reasons, and I think that it is only fair that I share them with you.
I am not really here to sell myself as a Dominant. If I was, I’d publish this Blog a lot wider. I’m here to talk to a few friends, most of whom either already know me well, or aren’t looking for a new relationship. So this is relaxing to me because I don’t have to try to sell myself. I am not a very good Dominant for anyone who is looking for Prince Charming on a White Horse, a Dom full of noble and flowery and knightly ideals, and if you are…well…this may be the wrong blog.
A few people have asked me about comments. I don’t want to dissuade anyone from commenting, in fact I welcome it. Just…bear in mind not to put yourself at risk with personal information. If I choose to let things hang out, that does not mean you need to. That said if anyone wants to make general personal references, that’s fine, I am not upset by it. I am proud of everyone I am involved with and I am proud of my friends.
I did not open this blog to get in long arguments with anyone. I have a professional blog for that sort of nonsense. I’ll gladly argue with you there till you are blue in the face. Here I am going to say my piece and if you disagree with it you are welcome to open your own blog and say yours. I’m not saying I’m going to ruthlessly crush any dissent. If you want to say “I think you are full of shit and here’s why [URL],” I have no problem with that. It is not that I am averse to criticism. But I don’t feel like arguing, I think it lacks dignity. I’ll say what I have to say.
I’m not above a bit of discussion, but I’m not going to swear I’ll make comments back.
While it sounds corny as hell, I suppose this is somewhat about self-exploration. It is an interesting time for me and a lot of things in my life are changing. So maybe by writing I learn a little about them. That’s self indulgent and dangerously close to sounding precious, but I suppose it’s true for all that.
I did not open this blog to talk about my current sex or bdsm life. That is private to me, and to the people in it. I have the right to talk publicly about my sex and bdsm life, but being involved with me or having been involved with me does not open a partner to having her own life “outed.” If you are reading to learn juicy details about specific current or past assignations, that’s not all that likely. There are a million gossips out there in the blogosphere. I will mostly draw on events and things that have happened some time ago, or to others. Where I reference people, even the ones I’m involved with now, the references will be obscure, and possibly confusing. I do not commit to any handy pattern whereby if you happen to recognize that a certain event attributed to “a.” pertains to say Susie Jones, that the next reference to “a.” will also pertain to the same person, so make no assumptions. For my part I do not wish to invade anyone’s privacy and I will not.
In terms of point of view, I may not be at all politically correct. I do not see myself as a misogynist. I consider myself to be a feminist. I know a number of dommes. I do not believe that they are submissive women looking to be broken under the hand of a powerful man. I think they are exactly what they say they are. I think intrinsically we are all capable of both dominance and submission. I cannot say why some find one more rewarding than the other, though I suspect in the right circumstances most of us can get reward from both. So, I do not see myself as a misogynist, but if you see me as one, you are welcome to. I am also not much of an apologist.
I am typically going to refer to the theoretical submissive here as “a girl,” “woman,” “the girl,” so forth. Female. Because that’s my experience. I honestly don’t know how much of what I have to say here applies to the male submissive psyche or not…I’m not likely to study to find out and your mileage may vary. I’m not implying that only women are submissive. I am saying I don’t know the first thing about male submissives and don’t pretend to. So talking about someone, I use a female pronoun, because that’s my experience.
I’m sorry, I just can’t get into the whole “sie” thing. I don’t hate it, I understand the point, but it comes off silly to me when I use it.
Finally I did not open this blog to paint myself as a nice dominant. The world is crawling with good-boy Doms who are essentially looking to be a boyfriend and occasionally delivers a spanking when and if the girl is willing. “Is it alright if I Dom you now, sweety.”
Now please understand, I don’t have a problem with that if it is what someone wants. I think in some circumstances, maybe it’s a good introduction. Though I think it can also be frustrating. I know that when I started out I was far more hesitant. One of the things I want to talk about here is how I moved from being a hesitant new Dom, who really didn’t know what to do with a woman in a submissive position to somebody who knows exactly what uses he has for a woman in a submissive position.
I suppose I do feel that in the long run you can damage the submissive that way. Every woman
I know who has come to submission has wanted a firm hand. Not necessarily harsh in all cases, but firm. Even if they also switched and acted as a Domme. There is topping and bottoming and there is D/s. I think if you go into D/s and don’t have the force of will to carry it out, you risk dropping somebody. D/s is saying “I am going to pick you up and carry you” and you can’t stop halfway through and ask the girl to walk.
One of my favorite and most oft-quoted lines from Peter Schaeffer’s Amadeus is “People so lofty they sound as if they shit marble…” Like Schaeffer’s eponymous protagonist I am a vulgar man. There is no shortage of high minded writing out there about the lofty ideals of BDSM. Presenting Doms as noble princes, or as a friend of mine once remarked, “like Jedi.” Dominance is about asserting will over another person, controlling them. If you are a decent human being you do not do this without in some way benefiting them. Bringing order, discipline, control, passion to their lives. I question that you can do this if you have less than complete resolve. That doesn’t mean pushing a girl beyond her limits or refusing to break scene. I have never played without safewords, or ignored a safeword, or ignored any other basic limit that effected wellbeing and safety.
And that means being hard. I suppose you can present that anyway you want. The mailed fist, the velvet glove, the lubed black latex glove. But in the end I think it is not about having high minded ideals and talking about the poetry and beauty of it, and how you are really just serving the girl. Either you are going to Dominate her or you aren’t and there is some selfishness involved. It isn’t all high minded and pretty, a certain amount of this is pretty base, and I think if you can’t admit that, maybe you are not being honest with yourself.
Anyway…I didn’t come to argue, or to set myself up as some pinnacle of knowledge. I came to share my experiences. I hope they’re of use. Please feel free to ping to say hello, or anything else that comes to mind.
My regards to you….
Interesting Fact: Among the earliest contraceptives in use was crocodile dung, which was employed by the ancient Egyptians and is mentioned in several archaic papyri. Modern Chemists and Medical scientists have puzzled over whether its acidity may have resulted in its efficacy. Modern Social Scientists are less puzzled by the idea that women who stuffed their privates with crocodile dung conceived less often than those who did not.