I often feel that if you can’t admit the selfishness of being a Dominant, if you can understand your obligation to give back. If you delude yourself that every part of what you do is about “helping the girl” then I wonder if you can think seriously about whether or not you are really fulfilling your social contract in D/s.
I think a lot of us are delusive. After all that’s the “Jedi Master” model (see previous post). I am an enlightened dominant. I take girls, maybe strong, maybe broken, and “fix” them and make them better people. It is a gift to them, and a service from me. I visit my combination of compassion and cruelty on them, and they benefit from it.
Except I think that’s bullshit. I think you have to be honest with yourself and wake up in the morning and say “I am a selfish bastard. I am used to bullying people around and getting my way. I am used to being the controlling partner and calling the shots. I am used to telling women what to do and having them like it. I do this as much to gratify my ego, and my need to have control over things in life, my pride and arrogance as because I am a good person who just naturally wants to give. I am not a charity organization dispensing wisdom and delicious pain. I am taking and I know this.
As President of General Motors (later Secretary of Defense) Charles E. Wilson said, infamously, “What’s good for the country is good for General Motors, and vice versa.” I think there’s a real danger that you can get into a circular logic spiral of that sort.
I think it is easy for a Dominant to get into this pretentious service mindset where they are “really serving the girl by Dominating her.” The problem is that this short circuits power exchange. It’s like saying “I want you to pay me for the honor of my shopping in your store.” We decide that just “being domly” fulfills the obligations of power exchange. We don’t need to give anything back because what we are giving is just bothering to be a Dominant.
I think there’s more to it than that. First of all if you aren’t getting off on being a Dominant than you are doing something wrong. I’m low key. I don’t necessarily like to do a lot of sex play right off, and a lot of the “getting off” is very cerebral. But I don’t think that means it doesn’t exist. And there is sex, and other physical acting out that’s cathartic, or pleasing. I don’t think you beat people with a cane, or abuse them otherwise because you are a good person who wants to help them. I think you do that because you are excited by it, on some level, or you wouldn’t be doing it. So if that’s exciting to you then you are getting something out of it and getting off on it, and if not, you need a different hobby.
So I can’t say “look the power exchange is that I get off.” The power exchange needs to be about both partners getting something. So I think that you need to be looking for value added. I frankly think pretty highly of myself, maybe too high. But I don’t believe I am such a gift that just whatever the fuck I happen to want to do makes me golden. I think you need to work at it. Hone your skills, learn, read, present well, making being Dominated mean something, not just fuck around doing whatever comes to mind. Spend some time on it. If you wanted just to fuck, you could have a girlfriend, not a submissive.
I think there is also the hubris that goes with thinking you can fix people. You can’t. You can maybe help them, some, if they want you to. But if they don’t you can’t. And it isn’t you, it’s them. You may be the tool they use to fix themselves, but that’s no more meaningful than being the vibrator that is the tool they use to get off. The impetus has to come from them. You can’t save somebody else, and thinking you can is just a fallacy that makes you think too much of yourself.
And thinking too much of yourself makes you prone to fucking up.
I think you have to own your selfishness. Admit in your black little heart the things that you are doing this for…personal gratification, social stature, all those things…or you are just fooling yourself and cheating on power exchange by not offering back anything comparable to what you are being given…
If you lie to yourself, you can’t be one hundred percent. I think you have to wake up in the morning, look yourself in the eye and be okay with the fact that a part of you is a bastard. If that bothers you then you have the option of balancing it out, and that’s in the long run what power exchange is about.
Cultural Fact In many Spanish Speaking regions of South America, numerous signs state “No Fumar No Llamas!” It is worth noting that the double negative in Spanish is perfectly acceptable, and of course the reason for signs of this type is perfectly clear to anyone who despite the potential allure of a large animal that spits, understands the basics of good health and hygeine.