So as you might predict, I have a few friends who write, and some of them write erotica/porn/pr0n. Occasionally one of them tells me that they are uncertain of their writing skill. Not certain their work is really good enough. Hell I write some smut, and I often have some doubts about it.
But sometimes someone does us the service of making us feel not so bad. About giving us a mark to aim for so that on any given day we can, without much soul searching, say “Jesus Christ, at least I’m better than that.”
This was just too entertaining not to share…
Bear is a discovery of my friend C. who came across a reference on Sensible Erection, which he describes as “Slashdot for porn” where he said “this guy asked them to host his adult site, and in a few days became the laughingstock of the community.” I found the original seed
So what makes “Bear” so truly amusing. First, let me pass along the URL of the members only index to the pay site. This woofer wants $23 a month U.S. which even with the value of the dollar falling faster than Clinton strategist Mark Penn’s career prospects, is still far more money than it is worth. $276 a year? Mull that…
So when I send you to the unprotected members only index page at http://www.fantasybear.net/index.htm, you’ll miss the intro. But if you’re not quite up for going there, let me give you a taste of the tone of this…interesting…site.
NOT a Porn Site,[God forbid that!] Sensual Male Photos. Romance-Fantasies and a whole lot more. This site has alittle of everything.
Get to know him intimately through his fantasies and photos. Fall in love. And breathe hard. Sex isn’t a sport. It’s a creation between two people. It’s the way a man tells a woman how much he loves her.
and wants to share his very special love making skills.
Women: Fall in love, breathe hard, and use Bear as your secret lover, or get your partner to read with you to get their creative sexual spirit moving. Find out what Bear likes and try it on your lover. men: Get turned on. Find out what women really feel when they’re truly being made love to. Find out what can really happen to a woman’s body if it is stimulated emotionally and physically. Learn to be the lover your partner secretly craves. Try out some of Bear’s fantasies.
This site will give you detailed, full length, start to finish, real life, lovemaking fantasies of all kinds. There’s also a whole gallery of photos to help you really get into the fantasies, a wisdom section, cartoons and jokes, funny viewers stories, and a chance to get into love making classes.
Fantasies contain mature material (not intended for those under 18), but every effort has been made to keep very detailed love making scenes loving and tasteful, and for nude shots to be tasteful, creative, and artistic.
Bear has the body of a hard working country boy (not the sculpted look of today’s male models), has gorgeous green eyes that reflect a man with a thousand faces, has long, soft, naturally curly hair (that the women around him keep wanting to touch! ), satiny smooth skin, and his voice is deep and gentle (unless he’s very occasionally roaring like a Bear). This guys a bachelor and though he’s had some experience to learn what he knows, is a clean cut, good guy. He just happens to love to please ladies. If you’re young or old, skinny, just right or overweight, plain, pretty or not so pretty, Bear will love you. He can always, always , always find a woman’s pretty parts: legs, eyes, a warm heart, hair, breasts, butts, feet, hands, knees, ears, and even belly buttons. And even though he can rage like a river in the most masculine show you’ve ever seen, he can purr like a kitten, act as silly as a chimp, make you laugh ’til your sides hurt, pray like there’s no tomorrow, be as creative as Michelangelo, problem solve like Einstein, and turn on twinkly eyes that can make you melt.
Oh, did we mention that he’s a born philosopher and teacher – – and there’s love and acceptance behind every word? – – – –
I shit you not folks…
What ensues are a number of fantasies that share some really stunning qualities. First it is really difficult to imagine writing about sex in a non-clinical fashion and being this sterile. I am not going to say “vanilla” because that’s really kind of an insult.
The writer is afraid to use any non-dictionary term for the genitalia. He inserts his penis into women’s vaginas which sounds about as romantic to me as a rhinoplasty.
He’s obsessed with the idea of women’s instant and overwhelming reaction to him. Sometimes they come just from looking at him. On the other hand, he only uses the word “come” once or twice…usually he says “orgasm” sometimes three times in a run-on sentence.
The only act you’ll find described here is male-female vaginal penetration. There’s a little kissing some running over of hands, but this guy is clearly deeply spooked by getting his mouth near a woman’s “pretty parts,” and you feel pretty sure he’d feel it was in some way unchivalrous to make a woman put her mouth “down there.”
This is sex writing for people who have a hard time even thinking about sex…
It’s…just…well you gotta read it.
He looks at you with those soft, deep, intense green eyes and your eyes are afraid to look down, and the eye contact goes on and on until you start talking silently to him, sure he can hear every thought. You tell him you want him. You tell him you love him with all your heart and that at that moment, your body belongs to him. You think of submission, not in a cruel way, but in the most loving way possible. You want him to take you to where ever he wants to go. And finally he looks down, passes the food around, looks at the flowers you picked just for him, picks up his fork and ever so slowly reaches across the table to give you the first bite. When you lean forward, he shakes his head ‘no’, the eye contact solid again, and as you draw back slowly, he moves the fork to your mouth and ever so slowly puts the food in your mouth, drawing the fork away so carefully that it runs across your bottom lip — that he is now analyzing.
Analyze me baby…
Orgasm number 4, as his hands caress your thighs, your legs, back up and under the dress to your breasts – – finally under the material. Just a light touch with both hands on your nipples and another shudder. No more counting. You’re starting to multiple big time.
Look folks, you didn’t think that C, and E, and I would waste your time with something that was just trivially bad did you. This is really stunning stuff…
I think what really makes this stuff creepy and kind of disturbing is his flirting around with hardcore subjects but with so many qualifications that they come out as sort of puerile. I can tell you that I cannot wait for “Fantasy #29 – Super Pleasurable Rape.” Just in case, you know, you thought Rape might be ugly or painful or something. Like the reference above to submission which immediately redacts itself You think of submission, not in a cruel way, but in the most loving way possible. That just sort of sets off my weird and creepy meter, though I think it’s mostly harmless banality.
You put your hands under your bottom to increase the depth of his penetration and he raises to his knees and tucks your knees to your chest and he leans down on your raised knees and pumps long, strong strokes that now have you into almost an unending orgasm. Your vagina is so sensitive that you feel every part of every stroke. You open your eyes, and his eyes meet yours and he leans down and kisses you while still stroking in and out. Because he always waits to come until you say, “Now. Make it with me.” you wait until you can’t stand it any more, and start to beg, “Now.” And you feel a change in his size. He felt full and big and straight before, but now he’s really, really full and he feels so good you think you’ll explode, and then, just as he’s about to make it, you pry your eyes open to watch him as his head goes back, and the most masculine sight you could ever witness is this gorgeous creature tensing into his own orgasm and at the same time, your most satisfying orgasm of all hits.
Whew…the picture, by the way, really begs to have “Bear’s Very Special Greatest Hits – 1972-1974” written on it in a script font, with a track credit to England Dan and John Ford Coley.
Anyway, believe it or not, there is a way to make Bear even more entertaining…
We haven’t figured out really how to make this a drinking game yet, since it’s predictable, but try block copying the story and inserting the name of a friend (preferably one you do not think will throw that bottle of Jack at you). Then begin substituting other words. We found that “Penis,” “Orgasm” and “Make it” were good words to substitute, since the first two at least come up nearly every sentence. We substituted “election” with the name of a politically minded friend, but you could come up with your own bon mots. Hmm…is “mal mots” actually a saying.
So, this is silliness, but it killed enough time at C.’s party I thought it was worth passing along, and given how damn busy things are, it isn’t as if I had anything better to write.
Now for something completely different…
I have to remind myself this is a “Sin Blog” not a “Sex Blog” from time to time. So since Bear is really the afterjoke, I’ll throw this out. I admit I found it just now on SE while looking for the original Bear entry.
For anybody who has ever longed for the “good old days” before people were cruel to each other, and committed atrocious murders, barbarities, when life was simpler and less risky…I’m a History/English double major by original worthless liberal arts education, and stuff like this fascinates me. Not the “great stories,” but these little windows into people’s real lives.
A few of the best: